September 4, 2019
Cari Henry, MD
When we were deciding on the name for Sarah’s Hope & Abraham’s Promise, we chose Sarah’s “hope.” Not “laughter.” Not “desires.” Not “dreams.” Not even “expectation.” We could have chosen “expectation”—having the expectation to be expecting a child is certainly cute as well as clever. However, our name was intentional as our mission is to encourage “hope” rather than expectations. On the surface, it may seem like a trivial issue of semantics, but in fact, there is a vast although subtle difference between “hopes” and “expectations”.
Certainly, both imply a yearning for some future outcome. Still, our hearts can sense the distinction between the two, even if our minds find it difficult to verbalize. When we hope to become pregnant or to maintain our pregnancy, we are planning for our desires to be fulfilled. When we expect our adoptive child will feel loved and blessed in the arms of an adoptive family, we are assuming this will be the outcome. Hope and expectation sound similar, right? Not exactly and the difference lies in the attitude of the heart. The very same actions, if performed with different intentions of the heart, have drastically different effects on us.
First, let’s examine expectations. Certainly, there seems to be a stronger and more definitive connotation to “expectation”— we have more certainty that things will go as we have asked. Those of us who base their life on expectations tend to fall into one of two opposite extremes. On one side, we sit back, resentfully waiting until our demands are met. We are a passive, empty slate, waiting to be filled by God, medical professionals, our spouse, our friends or our family. We are stagnant, paralyzed, void of fruitfulness in the here and now.
On the other side, we grasp in a constant state of activity. All of our energies are focused on controlling the situation and managing other people to make certain the outcome will culminate with the fruition of our desires. Now, some would praise this pathway as a marker of great perseverance and fortitude, but in reality, fear is dominating our actions and interfering with our relationships and ability to bear fruit. Again, although active, we are stagnant, paralyzed, void of fruitfulness in the here and now as all our energies focus on this one expectation.
And the difference between “hopes” and “expectations” can also be seen when the expectation is not fulfilled. As my late Aunt Susan once told me, “Expectations are planned resentments.” When disappointment comes, we not only have despair, but also lose our purpose and often lose our faith. There is a frenzy of the heart present with both paths toward expectations and all our energies and sense of promise has been wrapped in this one desire. When an expected outcome has not occurred, the object of our focus is gone; there is nothing left. The loss is even greater.
Now, let’s take a look at hope.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
–1 Corinthians 13:13 (NSV)
The most important aspect of hope is its foundation in faith. To truly hope, is to have our focus, not on the object of our desire, but on God. As an abiding spirit, hope allows us to rest in…stay in… remain in… and wait in God’s presence. And enduring in God’s presence, allows us to bear fruit! With hope we avoid focusing on the object of our future desires, but rather focus on what God is doing in us, and most important, what God is doing in us right now. With expectations, our anchor is tied to our one focus. With hope, our anchor is tethered to God.
When we harness hope in our hearts, we are building something in the present moment. We are examining how this struggle affects us, what wounds it opens, where it tears us apart, and we are using this exposure and faith’s wisdom to restore and transform us. We are bearing fruit, right here in the present! Grief and sadness are still present, but gone are resentment and frenzy, leaving in its place… SERENITY. Only hope allows for serenity, for only hope already places us in the path of fulfillment.
Jesus told his disciples, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing.”
–John 15:5 (NSV)
This brings us to the most important point: How can we change our expectations into hopes? Are we not supposed to chart our every bodily function? Are we not supposed to go through every painstaking detail of the adoption process? Of course we are. Are we not allowed to be angry or resentful? Are we not allowed to ask God to answer our specific prayers? Or course, we are. However, we can do the exact same actions with a different attitude of the heart and it be two entirely different scenarios. To harness hope, we must:
Count your blessings every day.
This seems trivial, but it makes an enormous difference. Don’t just count your blessings when you go to bed at night, but during the day, when you find yourself full of self-pity or anger, think of 5 blessings. Focusing on the blessings, changes your disposition andIt allows this time of waiting to bloom with the possibility of joy.
Do something that makes you feel fulfilled.
While waiting to start your family, the most important thing to do is to bear fruit in other areas of your life. Not only does this bring you joy and peace as your focus is elsewhere, but it creates in you a more fertile ground, both physically and spiritually.
Pray to let go of control.
I know this is difficult when you are monitoring every little thing but letting go is critical, not just for your psychological health but for your physical health as well. Every time you catch yourself in a state of panic thinking of what else you need to do, or when you catch yourself dictating orders to your spouse, take a deep breath and pray to let go. This will bring you a greater peace in the present moment, further allowing you to become more fertile ground. Furthermore, those who are practiced in letting go usually feel more in control than those who don’t.
Use this struggle to transform yourself and your marriage
At the Rabboni Institute, this is always our number one goal. We can’t control outcomes, but we can control how we allow suffering to create something new in us, right here and right now.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. –Romans 15:3 (ESV)
Upcoming Events
We have two retreats that will be held on October 5. Our Couples Infertility Retreat, Bearing Fruit will be held in Austin, Tx, and our Pregnancy Loss Retreat, Pierced by Sorrow, Released into Joy is being sponsored by Jerome’s Hope in Houston, Tx. For more information about both retreats, please click here.
