Soon after we developed our Sarah’s Hope and Abraham’s Promiseinfertility programs, we realized the need for healing programs for those experiencing pregnancy loss. Certainly, this is inherent to the struggles of infertility, with many couples experiencing numerous miscarriages throughout their struggle, but also because more and more couples asked us to fill this void where so few healing words were offered or available.
Early in its development, we knew the pregnancy loss sub-division should be called Pierced.I have always strongly identified with the verse during the presentation of Jesus where Simeon declares that Mary’s heart, too, will be pierced. The incarnation would not only lead to His sacrifice but hers as well; her future, in giving this Son life, was one of suffering as well. And this suffering is not because of sin or following a path not destined for her. This suffering would come simply because she loved. And to love is to risk loss and thus suffering.
And Simeon blessed them and said to Mary His mother, “Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and [a]rise of many in Israel, and for a sign to be opposed—and a sword will pierce even your own soul—to the end that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.” – Luke 2:34-35
In life, anytime we love, our hearts are open to being pierced. This is love’s inherent vulnerability. To connect with someone exposes our hearts, giving them the power to hurt us, piercing our heart and leaving a void. Some is intentional on their part and some is simply because their sufferings become our sufferings; we feel what they feel. And nowhere is this greater than with our spouse and children as we truly become “one flesh” in marriage and then create “one flesh” in our children. Simply by saying “yes” to marriage and then to the possibility of parenthood, we expose our heart to the high likelihood of pain and worry. Every hurt they have, becomes our own, and we even wish we could feel it greater if it would just alleviate theirs a little. These children become a part of us, what once was a space filled with “I” is now “we” or “us”. A different seed grows within us and begins to bloom in a way that is so intertwined with our own bloom that it cannot, nor should not, be fully separated.
But what happens when this bloom ceases to exist in our tangible life? What was originally a space for “I” and then “we” is now nothing. Just as Mary’s did, our hearts have been pierced and the life that was there has drained out, leaving a void so profound it consumes our entire being. Loss of any kind can lead to an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and hopelessness, but to lose a child? Most everyone would agree that to lose a child is one of life’s greatest traumas. However, those who have not experienced a pregnancy loss may find it hard to understand how it hurts to lose someone you haven’t even met. On the contrary, it may feel different from the loss of a child you have lived with and have known every aspect of their personality or freckle of their skin, but the loss of a child in pregnancy is still overpowering.
And this is regardless of how far along one is in their pregnancy. In both early miscarriages and fetal demise (stillbirth), there is a loss of promise, of hope, of expectations about a life full of possibilities. Immediately upon receiving a positive pregnancy test, we begin to dream, what the child looks like, how he reacts to life’s joys and how she copes with life’s burdens. We imagine this “one flesh” created out of both father and mother and immediately whatever his dreams may be in the future our already our dreams in the present.
And to lose this feels like your peace has been sucked away. You feel out of control and you wonder how you have influence over anything in your life when you were unable to protect something inside of you. You wonder how you could have failed. Did you love enough? Were you cautious enough? Were you too anxious or stressed? Was your attention elsewhere? How could you have not known? Thus, in addition to the loss of life, we have the loss of a promise, the loss of hope, the loss of peace and the loss of a sense of control. All of these leave a void that has nothing to fill it without the life of the child.
This is where the Piercedsubdivision of Sarah’s Hope and Abraham’sPromisecomes in. We aim to fill this void, and to fil the void in many ways:
First, we hope to fill the void in information available. It may be graphic and may seem to be too much information but we think it is important for women and men to know exactly what to expect when they are faced with a miscarriage or delivery after a fetal demise. Fear of the unknown, or missing opportunities for future healing, widen this void and we want to help lead you along this path. Our personal stories combined with medical explanations will help you know what to expect, what to ask for, and what steps to take while in the midst of a miscarriage or fetal demise. We also hope to educate health care workers as well as friends and families so they know what to say and how to say it so they help rather than harm. Through education, the void becomes one of grief that is not further burdened by unnecessary trauma as well.
Second, we hope to close the void created by the trauma of the experience. The void from the loss will never (and should never) go away but the emptiness from the trauma of the experience can be (and should be) healed. Whether it be the feelings of death within our bodies; the pain of the actual delivery; the emotional guilt of being unable to protect; the questioning if we actually contributed to the harm; or the terror at our lack of control over our lives, our bodies and our children’s lives; our programs encourage you to find comfort and joy once again.
Last, and most importantly, Piercedprograms address the void left by the loss of the child. Rather than remove this void, the goal is to fillthis void. And we don’t mean to fill it by replacing it with an activity or another child, but to fill this space with thischild. We have found that the best way to heal from a loss is to bring these children into our every day lives. You may not be able to see him but we can feel him and she can still be a part of your heart and your family. In this way, being pierced allows a quiet, special, intimate union of parent and child, a space for “us” to form within our hearts. And this is when being pierced becomes peace.
Cari Henry, MD
Executive Director, Rabboni Institute for Learning & Healing
