For couples struggling with infertility, grieving the loss of a pregnancy, or grappling with the unknowns of adoption, we can feel like our lives are on hold or were halted right as life was supposed to happen. Life is waiting until we receive a positive test, the grief of loss becomes bearable, or we are chosen by a biological parent. We are holding our breath, waiting to feel joy, waiting to nurture, waiting to exhale. Truly, we are waiting to bloom.
While developing the Sarah’ Hope & Abraham’s Promise (SHAP) ministry, we have witnessed many couples and families paralyzed in this period of wait, postponing their life until the fertility issues or adoption concerns are resolved. SHAP is present during the wait! When thinking about how to best articulate the role SHAP plays during this pause in living, I came across the below quote from a book about dementia. I haven’t read the book but feel the quote perfectly summarizes where and when SHAP does its best work. We hope to offer routes to happiness even while on a rambling path, peace while climbing mountains, and a sense of security when journeying through rocky passes. Life should continue and even bloom despite our struggles and we shouldn’t postpone life until we feel radiant and are bursting through the soil. Instead, life is occurring now, during the winter, when we are being tilled, prepared, grounded, and nourished. This growth still hurts but SHAP can offer understanding and direction that can lessen the sting and can encourage one to bloom, even in the darkness.
“Most folks probably think that gardens only get tended when they’re blooming. But most folks would be wrong.”― Shannon Wiersbitzky, What Flowers Remember
To achieve this end, SHAP believes in the healing of the whole person, not just in addressing the infertility, grief, or subconscious feelings of abandonment. We focus on these necessary issues but also on how they affect each person, individually at a physical, emotional and spiritual level. At the end of this journey, we want someone who comes out of this struggle to be a different person than the one who entered it. We pray that at some point in their lives, SHAP participants can look back on this time and feel thankful for the journey. Not thankful for the pain it has caused, the tears that have been spent, nor the overwhelming stress experienced, but simply thankful because they like the person they have become better than the person they were before the journey began. We want those touched by SHAP to feel stronger, less burdened, more confident in their life’s purpose, and more full of joy. Ultimately, we want them to discover who they were meant to be and come closer to connecting to that person. We will never understand why we have had to experience these losses and, unfortunately, are unable to control most of the journey. However, we do have complete control over how we approach it and how we let it shape our character, our passions and our relationships.
…we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. ―Romans 5:3-5 NASB
However, it is difficult. With the suffering surrounding fertility and adoption, everything can hurt and every emotion is felt to the depths of our souls. Although not immediately obvious, there is a blessing in experiencing this kind of pain. What we are feeling is not just “infertility” or “loss” or “fear of the unknown.” Rather, what we feel in the midst of this crisis plays on the already deep seeded emotions that already antagonize us. What comes up is tainted and intertwined with years of similar, but entirely different, struggles. If we were prone to despair before experiencing infertility, this despondency will be exacerbated during the infertility struggle. If we are prone to rage, the loss of a child will force us to feel anger so profound we will be shocked it came from within us. Or if we were prone to fear, the unknowns inherent in adoption will exacerbate our need to control.
Still, this is an opportunity, a chance to heal what this current struggle has revealed. After years of burying our wounds in our subconscious and allowing them to unknowingly direct our actions, fertility and adoption issues expose the hurts; hurts that have been present long before. SHAP takes advantage of this opportunity! Our hurts have been laid bare and we can now discover the root, gut it out, and change the trajectory of our successes and relationships. Certainly, in order to support growth above ground, a similar and equal growth has to occur below ground. And only when these roots are whole and healthy can we bloom to our fullest.
“We can only heal what is revealed.” ―Unknown
Once we accept that suffering strengthens us and acknowledge what has been revealed, we can then start to bloom, even in the darkness. So stop waiting! We are meant to bloom many times and in many ways. Even while waiting to blossom in one sense, we are called to blossom in others. In SHAP programs and curriculums, we are constantly asking how we are meant to bear fruit, now, in this present moment. Why is this so important? Because God heals when we are bearing the fruit he asks of us. We are fulfilled when blooming where God directs us. While experiencing infertility, pregnancy loss or dealing with some of the obstacles of adoption, we think we are on hold, waiting to bloom, but it may just be that God wants you to see a different seed waiting to be nurtured, one that may have gone unnoticed. Ironically, when we bloom elsewhere, it helps us bloom “here” as our joys and confidence begin to come to seed and our soil becomes more fertile. The fruit we bear nourishes and sustains us, both physically and emotionally. And our fruit even begins to spill over onto others, supporting them as well.
You must bloom wherever God plants you. ― Tania Silva
So, yes, this struggle may seem insurmountable and unrelenting. But work to grow roots wherever you are and in whatever circumstance. Focus on the seed that is bearing fruit now, not solely on the one you are waiting for. You will uncover peace and joy and love that can change the now as well as the future. And while enjoying the fruits of these blooms, do not lose hope for the seeds that have not yet blossomed; our lives are not meant to be just one flower, but a garden continually overflowing with blooms and unlimited possibilities.
Welcome to Sarah’s Hope & Abraham’s Promise!
Cari Henry, MD
Executive Director, Rabboni Institute for Learning & Healing
