By Jen Crowley
April 10, 2019
Everyone deals with their crosses differently. Me, personally….I am a verbal processor. I need to talk aloud about my struggles in order to think through them.
So when I learned I would probably be dealing with fertility issues, and especially as my journey became longer and longer (…and longer), I badly needed to work out all that was going on by talking about it to someone. It just helps me sort out my thoughts.
Not everyone deals with their struggles this way, of course.
So, hands down — the best way to support a loved one who has made known to you their struggle with infertility is to simply ask them what they need and how you can love them through their journey.
There are people in my life who responded pretty differently emotionally than I did when they discovered that they, too, had some fertility issues. And, of course, that’s OK. I wasn’t even the one to whom they went when they needed support, even though they knew what me and my husband had been going through. Maybe because they just knew that they needed something different for support than what I could offer. As long as they were being supported in the way that they most needed, that was what mattered most to me. I fully understand that we all have different needs when we are dealing with our own crises.
Do say things to them like, “I’m praying for you,” “What are specific ways I can help you?” or “How can I pray for you?” Intentional questions or comments like these can really make a difference and assure your loved ones that you are there for them, no matter if they feel up to discussing their experience in detail or not.
By all means, please avoid saying the following common phrases:
- “Just relax. It will happen.” This comment feels like you’re minimizing their struggle and that it is their fault for being too stressed out or anxious about it that they haven’t been able to achieve pregnancy. There is, most likely, some serious medical issues going on other than stress if they haven’t been able to conceive for a while or haven’t been able to hold a pregnancy.
- “You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can [go on vacation] anytime you want.” Any couple wanting to get pregnant but hasn’t been able to for whatever reason would gladly give up a spontaneous vacation or whatever child-free luxury you’re referring to, if it meant being able to get pregnant and bear a child.
- “Just adopt!” Adoption is a wonderful way in which God builds families, but God doesn’t call every couple struggling with fertility issues to adopt. They might not be ready to consider this option. And while there are couples who have gotten pregnant following adoption, studies have shown that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adoption is the same as for infertile couples who become pregnant without adopting — approximately 5 to 10%.
Holidays, especially those targeted toward parents (i.e. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day), are especially difficult for couples struggling to conceive or with pregnancy loss. A gentle and encouraging note, text or phone call is always a loving gesture. Tell them you are praying for them or maybe even recognize how they have shown love to your children, if you have them — as a spiritual role model, loving relative or fun friend.
One important thing to remember is to expect new grief every 28 days or once a month. The grief for a couple struggling with infertility begins anew approximately every 28 days. It’s a continual recurrence that is always just as difficult, so be prepared to offer the needed support at these times.
As of this writing, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost nine years. That is 108 months of trying to conceive. ONE HUNDRED EIGHT! I’m not sure that my loved ones even realize that. That is 108 times we have hoped to have a positive pregnancy test; 108 times the answer has been no. That’s just a lot. A lot of NOs.
Also, please be gentle with pregnancy announcements. If you have a growing family, ask your loved ones struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss how they would prefer to hear news of pregnancies. While they are, of course, happy for the gift of life bestowed to their loved ones, this can be difficult under various situations. These couples might prefer to be given the news individually, by e-mail or by their own spouse. This allows them the freedom to feel any emotions they may be experiencing and gives them the space to gather themselves before making appropriate congratulatory remarks. And don’t forget to share their preference for announcements with any mutual friends who might also be expanding their families.
I, personally, prefer to hear of friends’ pregnancy announcements from my husband. Many friends of mine know that I prefer for them to tell him so he can tell me at a time when he thinks is right.
I remember rather early in my infertility journey when one good married girlfriend of mine told me about her pregnancy and accompanying disappointment about it while we were standing in a large group at a baby shower. All I could do in that moment when I was already just trying to get through the baby shower, was nod my head with a somewhat pleasant look on my face (I hope!) and excuse myself from the group. I was pretty uncomfortable, and maybe even a little furious, at the situation. If she was looking for any sympathy from me, she would get nothing of the sort. She knew of my struggles, so I was not the best person to offer her any words of encouragement at the time.
One last helpful gesture for your loved one who may be struggling to get pregnant or hold a pregnancy is to offer to put them in touch with others you know who have dealt with infertility or pregnancy loss. However, please let them decide when and if they pursue the contact. You never know when they might need to chat with someone whom they feel might share a connection and receive helpful advice or just a listening ear from someone who has also been in their shoes.
Everyone travels their own road toward family-building, and there are, undoubtedly, many folks who struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss who might not have any problem with the above-mentioned circumstances. The spectrum of emotions when dealing with this struggle is wide.
So, again, the best way to support a friend going through fertility issues, is simply to ask them how you can walk this journey with them and be a good friend. Let them tell you what they need and go from there.
Do you have any supportive gestures to suggest? Share in the comments!
Hey! I’m Jen Crowley!
I helped co-found the ministry Sarah’s Hope & Abraham’s Promise, where we seek to offer spiritual support for those struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, as well as support for those touched by adoption. I’ve been the proud wife to a great man for over 10 years, and I’ve been blessed through the miracle of adoption to be a mama of four beautiful (and very active) children! I come from the South and love cooking, a glass (or two) of wine, and Jesus. Throw in a movie marathon coupled with snuggles with my kiddos or deep conversations with my dearest loved ones, and you couldn’t find me happier! You can find my humble thoughts on journeying through infertility and adoption here!
