I did not really want to go on the retreat — well, I guess I did and I didn’t. We wanted to have a child, but I was afraid I would hear something I did not want to hear. The first half of the retreat was difficult for me because as the doctors described the various reasons for infertility included endometriosis, I saw how it was decreasing our chance of conceiving. I felt angry, that my body would betray me in this way, that I did not know sooner, that I was having such a difficult time when my friends and family seemed to have it so easy.
During the second half of the retreat, however, I discovered that I was not alone in this anger and frustration. I heard other people’s stories of sadness and loss. I realized that while we did not have a child we were blessed to have our family’s support, that we had only been undergoing our difficulties for a short while in comparison with couples who had endured heartbreak and disappointment for years. It was nice to vent with the other women, to hear I was not the only one who felt angry when I saw new baby photos or pregnant women, even when these people had not harmed me in any way. It meant a lot to know that my feelings were normal and that other people felt the same way and struggled with the same issues. The reconciliation and healing Mass were especially helpful because they allowed me to vent my frustrations to God and receive healing, both through the Sacrament and the blessing of our marriage.
We are still not pregnant, but this retreat helped us make a plan of how to proceed instead of merely feeling lost and confused. It strengthened our marriage and, hopefully, will help me to put my faith and trust back in God.
